Dear Opponent of Humane Horse Processing,

Thank you for your fervent support of the 2007 laws that were passed in Illinois and Texas that effectively ended the closely regulated and humane processing of horses in the United States. Thank you for pushing the practice past our borders and out of control of the USDA’s standards for humane treatment of food animals. We also appreciate your passionate lobbying for various laws over the years that would ban the transport of unwanted horses to foreign processing facilities. We understand that you want each and every unwanted horse to remain within the borders of our beautiful nation, alive and well!

You’ll be pleased to learn that your super-special feelings are going to be super-validated, and the “alive and well” part is where you come in! A new pilot program has been created through a cooperative effort of government agencies and numerous horse industry organizations. This program is called “Save Horses In Trouble­ Help End Abandonment & Death,” or SHITHEAD for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, and to alleviate the pressure on existing rescue facilities to take in the thousands of unwanted horses that would have nowhere to go if the SAFE Act were to be passed, one unwanted horse will be placed under the personal care of each and every person who supported banning humane horse processing in the United States, and/or is supporting the SAFE Act.

As you may know, after domestic processing facilities closed, many rescue facilities and shelters were inundated to the point that they had to close their doors to new arrivals, but many horses were also neglected, starved to death, or abandoned for various reasons. Therefore, your participation in this program will be mandatory.

We understand that it is your feeling that horses are pets, not livestock, and since most people in the United States do not choose to eat them, therefore no one should (nor should pets or zoo animals consume horse meat) and all horses should live out their lives in an idyllic pastoral setting. We also understand that while your relatively large 40’ X 40’ suburban backyard isn’t exactly Yellowstone, it will just have to do. We are certain you will make the necessary adjustments.

Your unwanted horse is of unknown origin, but is roughly 6 years old (although we can’t get close enough to him to tell for sure), weighs approximately 1500 pounds and has a mean streak a mile wide, and has been known to randomly bite, strike, or kick, especially at small children, elderly people, and house pets. We have affectionately dubbed him “Satan.”

While Satan is capable of physical aggression, unfortunately he is not able to be ridden because of his crooked front legs. However, his back legs work just fine and he is capable of reproducing, as he is a stallion. This is of special import to you, as your neighbors and fellow members of the “Horses Are Humans With Hooves” group will also be provided with horses through our program, some of which might be mares.

For your information, the $100 you donate annually to the Humane Society of the United States can instead buy you approximately two bales of high-quality hay at the current market rate. Assuming that the bales weigh 100 pounds, and you feed 20 pounds to said beast per day, this will be enough to feed him for ten days. You will be happy to know that the lifespan of a horse averages about 25 years, and therefore Satan can bring you approximately 9,125 days of pure enjoyment. That is, of course, only if you provide him with the best care possible, which we are absolutely certain that you will. To ensure that Satan is receiving proper care, an inspector will visit your home on a weekly basis.

At your request, we can provide you with contact information for veterinarians, farriers, trainers, equine dental practitioners, chiropractors, massage therapists, pet psychics, whisperers, and tranquilizer gun dealers in your area, as well as the necessary contacts you will need for euthanasia and disposal of Satan’s earthly vessel when he crosses over. (Note: Be sure to start saving up right away for chemical euthanasia and carcass disposal. Your kid doesn’t need new basketball shoes every year, anyway.)

We foresee that Satan’s death will be especially traumatic for you, being the enlightened individual that you are, and counselors will be available for video call sessions.

Unfortunately, there is no government financial assistance for care and maintenance costs of SHITHEAD horses, as all of the funds allocated for such things are dedicated to the Bureau of Land Management’s Wild Horse & Burro program.

Best of luck,

Jack D. Onkey

SHITHEAD Program Coordinator